Job Description of
Compliments of :
Annette Clifford, columnist for Florida Today
Thought those of you
considering the new job of parent might want to take a look at the
POSITION : Parent
JOB DESCRIPTION: Long-term player needed for challenging,
permanent work in chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent
communication and organizational skills and be willing to work evenings,
weekends, and frequent 24-hour shifts. There is some overnight travel
required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends
and endless sports tournaments in far-away cities. Travel expenses not
RESPONSIBILITIES: Must keep this job for the rest of your
life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily. Must be willing
to bite tongue
repeatedly. Must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule. Must be
willing to tackle stimulating technical challenges such as small gadget
repair, sluggish toilets, and stuck zippers. Must handle assembly and
product safety testing, as well as floor maintenance and janitorial
work. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars, and coordinate
production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and
organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and levels of
mentality. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute and an
embarrassment the next. Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of end product.
ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: There is no possibility of
either. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without
complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills so that
those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, but on-the-job
training is offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES: None. In fact, you must pay those in your charge,
offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they
turn 18 and attend college. When you die, you give them whatever income
you have left.
BENEFITS: There is no health nor dental insurance, no
pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays, and no stock
options. However, the job offers limitless opportunities for personal
growth and free hugs for life.